ok...
yesterday i was woken up by txt messages from ariel then from dan..
dan was asking me if i wanted him to go pick up my last check from goodwill..
i said sure..
come to find out he coodnt do that.
so he asked if i wanted him to pick me up.. i said sure..
so i got my check..
cashed it..
and i had nothing to do and dan didnt have to work till 2 and its like 10ish..
i decided to ride with him for a lil bit and hang out..
i was looking for my cigarrettes and saw that i still had dotties late bday gift in my purse..
i asked dan if he had anything to do near laroach and he said no and asked y..
i told him how the night before that i tried to txt dustin to see if he might pick it up..
and he didnt show up..
he said he wood take me..
we drive over there...
keep in mind that dustin wasnt supposed to b there...
we dont even get one his street yet and i see his car..
sticking out sore as a fucking thumb..
but thats fine..
he might still b sleeping..
him mom will probly answer the door..
right?...
nope..
he answered and i think i kinda stared at him like he was stoopid for a sec...
then asked if his mom was home and if i cood talk to her..
he said yea and walked in..
i waited on the pourch...
he comes back out..
no dottie yet..
and he said she was getting dressed..
so we stand there and kinda make akward small talk..
she comes out..
loves he gifts..
talked about hollween for a min..
then she goes inside..
me and dustin r just standing outside talking..
for maybe and hour and a half..
i look back and realize i forgot all about dan...
i tell him to feel free to say no...
but wood u like to go have lunch...
i was kinda thinking about dan needing to get goin...
but i mostly just wanted to keep talking to dustin..
i told him that dan had shit he needed to do..
an if not it was fine and ill talk to him later..
he sat and thought for a min..
and he finally said yes..
i was not mentally ready for wat i just asked..
at all..
we drove out twards the southside..
and we talked..
and finally we end up near the harley shop off of 95..
i get a big smile on my face and yell..
WERE GOIN TO HOOTERS!!!!
he laughed at me..
i think ist kinda funny cuz i told him FOREVER AGO that ive nevere been to hooters..
so i was happy..
titties and chicken..
so we eat..
and talk...
and stare at REALLY nice asses..
lol..
and we go to leave and he wants to stop in the harley shop..
so we go look around..
goof off a bit..
then leave..
he drives me home..
and wen we got outside the house..
i told him to feel free to call me..
if not thats fine..
he says well see..
and he drives off..

later on last nite i check my myspace and he responded to the message i sent him in regards to his blog..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tomato
Date: Oct 23, 2008 1:13 PM


actually im doing just fine.. i have 2 jobs and im paying 1/3 of rent here. the only thing that hasnt changed is him and i r still together and im still living with him.. i still wish u wood b my friend.. but i kno u dont want that..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: The Motherfuckin' Dust Bomb!!!!
Date: Oct 23, 2008 6:27 PM


Well to say the least I am impressed. Not trying to sound like a douche. I really am glad your doing alright. I know your working over at movie gallery, didn't know about a 2nd job. I thought you drove though, someone said something about a red escort or something. I can't remember exactly. Mom has been telling me about you calling every now and again. I actually told her you had some things for her. She didn't say anything about it when I told her.

I think its a little funny you get the time to read my blogs. With work and your relationship and such. I hope its going well. I guess if you two lasted this long then its all good. Im glad to hear it if so. My relationship is doing great, thankfully. No major bumps in the road yet and hopefully not too many to come.

As far as what you think you know.....lol. I was very hurt by what we went through. But in the end time is doing what time does best. Im just glad that we grew from it and each have something good going on. But as far as us being friends, we will see. Im not going anywhere soon, as far as I know. And I don't know your plans. But if your around long enough for me to be comfortable with it then its possible. Im kosher with it though. I am fine with how things turned out for you, and for me. But hopefully there will be a friendship for us.

But for right now, a simple e-mail over myspace every now-and-again will have to suffice. If thats fine with you. If not then thats cool.

But either way best wishes,
Dustin

so i reply...

im glad i got to see u today and now that i kno u dont hate me.... im happy =] as far as time goes all i have is time.. i dont really go out and i just work nights... im cool with emails.. its better than wat i was gettin.. u dont kno how glad i am to kno im no longer slut-bag.. lol
i hope to stay in touch.. and a beer wen ur comfortable..

ttyl
Zabzi


yea.. lame huh?
well..
im a lil overwellmed by this a bit..
but ill take wat i can get..

u kno its funny.. all the new stuff i hear about him comes from drew. i heard about his car from drew. today he called me "u kno ur x likes to talk so much shit till he sees me." he saw dustin at some tire place. he woodnt even look at drew. which i think is kinda funny. he hates me. i guess i got wat i wanted. its better than him treating me like shit yet telling me he loved me with all his heart at the same time... o well.
i dont really have anyone to talk to about anyof this.. i guess thats y im dwelling on it so long.

like i said


o well

U kno ater all the drama.. After all the bullshit.. im the one left wanting.
Wanting love. Someone to love.. That can love me.
i REALLY want to start babbling about how everytime i pass goodyear i look for him.. not frantically.. but i look.
i think about him randomly.
he wants nothing to do with me.. which is fine. but still a lil sad. i kno im stoopid. im trying to do better. just trying not to fuck this relationship up at least.
though i will never b as devoted to anyone as much as i was to him.. at one point.. i guess i got tired of waiting till he cared..
kinda just started getting over him without really trying. i can never truely get over him. i can move on. work forward. live life.. u kno the deal. but ill always have something for himin my heart. no mtter how much i want to hate him.. no matter how much i wanted him to hate me..
i got it. he hates me. no he doesnt hate me.. he doesnt care. which hurts more.. im sure he knos that.
o well..
who cares? rite.

wen i get something good. i seem to run away at the drop of a hat. im scared of the future. i dont want to think about where imma b in 5 years. every time something gets hard i run away from that too. im tired of being the one that got away. im tired of being the one that no one wants to b with cuz im hard to hold on to. because i dont want to stay in one place for long. im FUCKING tired of it. y cant it all b easy. wen i was little. i was told that wen its right its easy. u dont have to try to b happy. u dont have to work hard at making others happy. the only thing i really work hard at is staying away from that place. staying away from the possiblity that its right. wat if i work so hard to get there and its not? i did all that for disappointment. i spent so much of myself on something and/or someone and wen i come to look for my happiness. wen i come to look for my emotional break. its not there. it just leads to more work. i just want someone to love me. who i dont have to work hard to love. someone who i feel happy with. someone who i make happy. i kno drew doesnt love me. but i have a feeling it will get there eventually. but wat if wen it does get there i hurt him like i hurt dustin. wat if i run away?.

i dont kno wat to say.
i want to txt him "have a good day at work"
but i cant.
i want to so bad.
hes showing up in my dreems now.
i feel like goin to sleep isnt that bad as long as i sleep forever.
cuz then i wont b disapointed wen i wake up.
all this is watever.
i might as well try to erase him from my mind.
hes not gonna come back.
....
so to him i say this one last thing..
Dustin James Kiernan,
       ur probly not gonna read this. u probly dont give a shit.
hope u and selena works out. u shood try to stop biting ur
nails. and if u ever need a friend. u kno my number.
                                    i love u with all my heart,
                                   Corynn Elizabeth Floyd

i want to say love. but i cant say that it will work out. im scared that it work. and i dont want to hate him.
i was such a bitch to him yesterday. i guess i want him to run away for a change. but everytime i think about my life without him all together i just want to ball up with my ladybug pillow go to sleep and never wake up. im a mess. im a fucking mess. he doesnt kno that tho. i woodnt let him kno that. im scared of falling for him agian. he probly thinks im a crazy heartless bitch.

i dont kno wat it is. i keep looking for things that drew does that dont make me happy. it seems that the things that drew does that dont make me happy r the things that dustin does to make me smile. all warm and fuzzy inside. i dont kno wat the fuck to do.
to better my life i shood stay with drew. to find love (atleast rite now) i shood go with dustin.
i kno drew doesnt love me. weve only been dating for almost 2 months. im not expecting him to love me. but i kno he cares.
dustin on the other hand....he is INLOVE with me. he wants me to b with him for the rest of our lives. have kids. maybe a dog. u kno that jazz. but it wood b difficult for me to get anywhere in life . ill have to work 3 times harder. and might not even succeed.
i dont kno wat the fuck to do
i love dustin but im not INLOVE with him. drew cares for me and i care for him. and he has the potential for me to spen the rest of my life with him. hes 26 and pretty much settling down. dustins 19 and still a kid.
not saying im not a kid. cuz hell im rite there with him. but i dont have the time to wait for him to b serious about things.
its like choosing wat to have for dinner.. i always want icecreem. but i kno thats not good for me. tho it tastes sooo good. i want to have ice creem for dinner everyday of my life. but i kno that if i have spinach ill b healthier and live a longer life. i love icecreem sooo much. not saying i dont like spinach. i enjoy it vrry much. and since it all weighs out  and its better for my life and wellbeing. spinach is the one for me.
thing is i dont want to give up icecreem. but i think im gonna have to

=[

i did forgive u...
but i REFUSE to come second to her. u wont have me at all if its gonna happen like that. ill pack my fucking bags. thats not gonna happen. i wont let it. weather u fix it or i do.. its getting dealt with. i wont b ur puupy. and if thats wat u want have her.. by all means go for it. i wont stop u.. but i wont stand for this. i told u that.
this is ur one warning...
take it or leave it.

every girl wants to hear form the guy they love that they want to spend the rest of their life with u. but wat happenes wen he says it but u dont feel the same?
i hear him say the things i needed to hear a LONG time ago.even tho i dont need to hear them from him anymore i long for wen i did.
if he crys i cry. and thats all that he seems to b doing lately. its starting to dry me out. not oly of tears. but of feeling. hes always been able to make me go numb. then he seems to b rite there to bring back the feeling.

man, i wish the words i love you had not been lessened in meaning by there overuse in the media and conversation... but i love you :)
all those images reminded me of the sexthunderdeath god that dwells deep inside me....
gah, i am going to call you later

Wen I feel the smoke enter my lungs, it makes it all better, if only for a moment. It all goes away. Like old times. Shes still there, I hear my friends calling me, I knew he loved me. Just for that short time, I can feel. I then I fall. And fall. And fall. There seems to b no bottom. But I try not to let it get me down. LOL. Get it? Well I try to make the most of this. I kno Im not the only one to loose the ability to feel. I mean, we all pretend. Problem is we dont have anyone, not truely, who we can just "be" around. Drop the act, lay back, and feel.
I need someone to help me feel.

can u love someone the same after years of not seeing them..not going throo life like u were use to..spending the nite every weekend and sometime school nites together..being yelled at by parents together...being grounded..yet still able to have them over..cuz they were family..is it possible to still wanna b there...still loveing them with all ur heart and soul..wanting to save them from their life...their bad mistakes..to wana still hold them wen they have no one else that loves them truely..is it able to happen..and still work out??

i have to b at work friday at 4am....4 FUCKING am..i didnt even wanna look at wat time i get off....it wood make me stab my manager with the box cutter in my hand

heres the new dooo

the only stable thing in my life juss got fucked with..

i wonder wat wood happen if i called him up and said that this x of mine wants to get back with me..im sure he woodnt b too happy..i dont see y he wood do this to me.or even y he wood have to think (even for a second) about wat hes gonna do
if he loves me he shoodnt have to second guess anything...insted he second guesses everything..
how does he think this makes me feel??..i hope he doesnt think imma go along with this (all happy and not upset about anything in this whole situation)vuz i refuse to do that..
im not a pawn in anyones game
love isnt something u play with till ur tired and put it down till u get bored agian..and ive learned that..i hope he has too
if he chooses her i doubt we will b on speaking terms
and if we r..i doubt id b talking to him vrry much
i want to talk to him but i doubt he wants to talk to me at thins point

in other news....

mom is being a total bitch
tells me to dump the dihwasher and that shell fill it and finnish the kitchen...leaves the kitchen in a COMPLETE mess and tells me i have to clean it cuz she juss didnt feel like it
plus i have to SCRUB her bathroom (seems everytime her bathroom gets clean..i do most/ all of it)
i FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!

jasmine called dustin today (knoing him and i r together) trying to get back with him.
the thing that pisses meoff and hurts me the most is that he has to think about it...
one of the last things he said to me on the fone was "if i choose her..i want u to kno i always want to b ur friend"
if he chooses her (not to sound selfish) i dont think the friendship wood work out too well..
i hurt juss thinking about it

it also hurts me to think about my friends..or wat i have left of them
i care so much..i wood die for them..but i dout they wood do the same,,or anything close..they dont even like being uncomfortable for me...

i hate this place
i wanna get out
my mom told me that if i want i can go live with my dad..if things keep on like the r..i actually might
it wood b ezier..friend wise..and it wood b like a new start
i always like those

we'll see wat happenes

wats worse than getting caught having sex??...getting caught having sex by ur mom...wats worse than that..getting caught having sex by ur mom in her room